Februar 29, 2012

Watched So You Don’t Have To – „In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds“

Posted in Erleben, Sehen um 11:37 pm von deadra

A few helpful facts about „In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale“

1) It is an Uwe Boll movie. If you don’t know what this means, consider yourself lucky and DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER (Seriously, I’m trying to spare you from this. Shoo! Enjoy your unsullied happiness elsewhere!). If you do know, proceed at your own risk.

2) It is the most LotR-ripping-off-est mess ever committed to celluloid, BUT

3) it also boasts a poor man’s Cirque du Soleil, ninjas, and one guy in the most inexplicable cowboy hat I ever saw. (Yeah, really.)

4) Uwe Boll has decided that a masterpiece like that needs a sequel. And – this is the unbelievable part – nobody stopped him. As a result we now live in a world where „In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds“ exists.

Poster

Funniest things about this? 1) Dolph never wears armour and 2) that woman is not in the film.

And because it exists, and because I’m morbidly curious in that endearing „I wonder what would happen if I repeatedly hit myself with THIS“-kind of way, and because I’ve consumed just the right amount of Dutch courage…I’m going to watch it, so you don’t have to.

A few more things before we start:

1) I won’t be responsible for any lasting damage to your soul should you read this and STILL decide that watching that film is a good idea.

2) The version I got has Swedish subtitles, which is fitting, what with Dolph Lundgren starring in it.

3) What you are about to read will be EXTREMELY detailed, because I’m a great believer in sharing my pain. Be prepared to deal with that.

Alright. Buckle your seatbelts, people – here we go!

WE START – with a (medieval – sooo much coat!) woman being chased through the forest. This helpfully happens in slow motion so the disembodied voice of Dolph Lundgren can tell us all about her, her background, her favourite pie recipe. She is Elianna the Powerful, Sorceress, Shifter, yet she is IN PERIL. No-one is safe!!!!!1! Who is she chased by? „Soldiers of fortune. Mercenaries. Hitmen.“ (Blades for hire, rent-a-killers, termination-of-life consultants, life-to-death transition facilitators, …)

The screen helpfully tells us that this is an Uwe Boll film. I KNOW. Oh boy, do I ever.

Is she cornered? Yes, but…she has a granade. And karate. And tiny little vegetable knives. So there.

In case you didn’t get it the first time (almost a minute ago!!!), voiceover-Dolph now repeats himself WORD FOR WORD, because you can’t just have her run without narration. Duh. (Uwe Boll, PhD in literature).
Also, we get a bit more info this time – the lady (Elianna the Powerful, Sorceress, Shifter) wants to save Dolph Lundgren’s life.

Meanwhile Dolph – whose name here, for the record, is Granger – is in his dojo in Vancouver, telling underprivileged little children to use martial arts in case they get mugged by 4 muscular adults in a dark alley. He demonstrates this by helpfully beating the 4 up. Ex-Special Forces Major, 10yo kid – totally the same thing if you know karate. This, my friends, is irresponsible in the extreme. One of the kids gets themselves killed over their lunch money (which they don’t have, being underprivileged and everything) on the way home, it will be Dolph’s fault. Great. Let’s hope the mercenaries get Elianna the Powerful, Sorceress, Shifter, before she can save this lunatic’s life.

But oh, we’re supposed to emphatize with him. He sighs a lot. Also, he has scars and looks kind of sad. Well, he should be. He’s risking the lives of innocent children by telling them that mastering the 3rd kata makes them invincible superheroes.

Oh look how sad and lonely he is, in his sad and lonely house, with his sad and lonely toothbrush, and his sad and lonely bottle of whiskey, wishing he were dead instead of his team (his whole team! OH THE DRAMA!!!1!), because they might be dead, but at least they aren’t sad and lonely. Note that he carefully marks the content level of the whiskey bottle before putting it away. This man is sad and lonely and wearing a keffiyeh around his neck for no reason, but he is not an alcoholic. He is not an alcoholic to such an extent he obsessively polices his own consumption of whiskey.

Now what’s this? Can’t a guy fill his bathtub without a soldier of fortune (mercenary, hitman) trying to stab him in the back? And don’t they teach people how to kill stealthily at mercenary school? Because, honestly dude, you stab first, then you can yell all you like. You don’t yell first. Because that will make the Special Forces vet turn around and punch your face in. … Oh well.

Other occasions when yelling might be unwise: before taking a run at Dolph Lundgren from the side he wasn’t looking at, or before coming around a blind corner with a knife.

See? Fifth guy didn’t yell and managed to draw blood. I bet he got gold shuriken every week in ninja-monk-assassin school. Or maybe not.
And now all of a sudden Elianna the Powerful (Sorceress, Shifter) is standing in Dolph’s study and throwing her veggie knife before valiantly requiring Dolph to save her. (Powerful!!1!)
At least she can open a swirly misty thing in the hallway with her bracelet, and Dolph promptly throws one of the mercenaries through it before asking what it is. (Brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, that one.) Her response? „The portal is open! The prophecy! We have but seconds!!!“ She shall henceforth be known as Elianna the Phoney-Sounding and Incoherent. But before he can point out that she didn’t make any sense there, she drags him through the aforementioned portal, to an idyllic valley by a lake somewhere. As you do. At which point that one mercenary, the one Dolph had thrown ahead, promptly stabs her to death. Thus dieth Elianna the Phoney-Sounding and Incoherent, having fulfilled her role as glorified portkey. I’m sure we’re all very sad.
The bad guy is, of course, killed by Dolph. And then promptly killed again, by an arrow. Because WHUT?

Magic!

So, what does a smart guy do when approaching soldiers shoot the person who’s trying to kill him? That’s correct, he attacks them. (Note, these are medieval soldiers, but not really. About half of them have horses. There’s a woman in a beautiful, brightly coloured dress with them. She doesn’t have a horse. Clearly, logic and practicality hadn’t been invented, yet.)
Anyway, the leader of the soldiers kicks Dolph in the head (I can’t say I haven’t been hoping for that to happen), they notice that the sorceress is dead, the words „post haste“ are used for no reason at all other than that someone thought they sounded vaguely appropriate. None of this makes much sense, but there ya go. Dolph has won the Golden Ticket for an audience with the king.

While he’s lying there, waiting to be brought before the king and probably bleeding into his head, Elianna the Incoherent appears to him from beyond…somewhere. To be honest, she looks completely befuddled by this development as well. Death has not made her any more coherent. It is Dolph’s destiny to be „here“. Here, being a dirty, smelly courtyard with a king who doesn’t get modern idioms.

Gee thanks, lady!

But fret not, for Dolph is the chosen one. ENOUGH already with the idioms! „I might spend the rest of my days trying to decipher your strange manner of speech, Granger.“ You don’t say. The king sees Dolph’s idioms and raises him some inappropriate pauses. „Our kingdom, our very               existence has been threatened.“

“]In other news, the leader of the soldiers would like to make it clear that he doesn’t trust Dolph, doesn’t like Dolph, would love to kill Dolph and is looking forward to the moment („and it is nigh“) when he may do so. In any film that’s even halfway decent, this exchange would have been done in a single look. Here, it took over a minute and reinforcements from the soundtrack. Just saying.

OH GOD, voiceover-Dolph is back. „I began my day with a protein shake and now I’m standing in a medieval sleeping hut.“ Okay, 1) You’re not being deep, you’re being a moron. 2) You can have that simply by visiting a decent museum. 3) It’s not a hut, it’s a HOUSE. With stone walls and furniture from Pottery Barn. 4) I really don’t give a flying fuck what you had for breakfast.
On the plus side, instead of chocolate on the pillow this fine establishment offers a naked blonde under the blanket. „It is my honour to share your bed.“ OH GEEZ KILL ME NOW. To be fair, he does turn her down. „Would you rather have a man? I can have the guards summon a man…?“ – I’ll be honest here, I laughed. Fortress with full concierge service, discretion guaranteed ^^ So, she’ll only be sharing his bed for warmth. Yay.
Aaand there’s that other woman from before, just walking in without so much as a by your leave. Oh, cool, she’s a physician for his majesty’s royal court. That’s kinda awesome. But she’s gone again. Oh well. Maybe she’ll come back later, and die within 5 minutes, or something.

Ooooh goody! Prophetic dreams! „There is to be a fountain of blood“? Yuck. And Elianna the Incoherent is back, and she’s all „Wake up, you stupid git, your human hot water bottle is about to kill you!“ Blondie (who was never named, being a hot water bottle and all) falls into her own knife instead. This year’s reunion of the Assassins College Class of ’53 will be a small and sad affair indeed.

At least killing one more highly untrained assassin qualifies Dolph for a romantic walk around the smelly courtyard with the king. (There was no cash prize.)

„A wench. Like a thief in the night did she intend to           rob you of your life. My most gifted soldier             would likely have perished.“ [Actual dialogue.]
Oh FINALLY we get an infodump. A badly written infodump. So, the last king (The Stath) was pretty great (duh!), but then the Dark Ones came and there was war and The Stath succumbed.(WHUT?! He’s The Stath. He doesn’t succumb to anything. See how implausible this movie is? See?!?) And now this guy is king, having retreated behind the walls of a ramshackle fortress, while the cannibal Dark Ones threaten from all sides.

Dolph helpfully states at this point that cannibalism is wrong. (Take note, kids.)
You see, Dolph is a simple man. He doesn’t question things overly much. He’s the kind of guy who, when told he’s been chosen to kill a woman he’d never heard of until 2 minutes ago („the Black Mother of the Dark Ones“), will shrug and accept the mission.
He refuses to carry extra weapons and provisions (because salmonella!!! e-coli!!!1! Honestly…a Special Forces germophobe. You have GOT to be kidding me.), so he gets a company of men to carry them for him, because the king is also in charge of Missing the Point. And the doctor has to come, too. Right. Because none of this will make it at all difficult for Dolph to get through thick forests quickly. I’m beginning to see why these people have been losing their war.

"Kill an old lady? Sure."

The doctor is coming along even though she doesn’t want to. She’s something of a proto-feminist, you see. Not in the slightest content with her lot in this cursed life. So much of a proto-feminist, she then comes back into Dolph’s room to straddle him on his bed and tell him that if they are to die on their quest, she will not „die unfulfilled“. Yes, really. She did say unfulfilled. He couldn’t quite believe it either, but he wasn’t about to let that stop him.

Aaaaand she’s already regretting it and running off after swearing him to secrecy. I’d like to mention at this point that this man has just had sex and the keffiyeh is still immaculately tied. That’s how he rolls.
Good thing she left, though, because Dolph is being summoned by the Seer, and that would have been AWKWARD.

The Seer is on drugs. Also, she’s chained down. Nice touch. I’d be talking about fountains of blood, too, if I were tied up by a fire in a tree somewhere at the ass-end of nowhere for any length of time. So…release your fear, slay the dark mother, find the catalyst. Right. It’s all become very clear now. Not. (Make note, kids – fear leads to the dark side.)

Clear or not, day breaks, which means it’s time for the questing to begin. (Yay, trees! Actual trees, which is one of the very few advantages of this being a dirt cheap affair.) They ride for about ten seconds, then they are ambushed so predictably they have time to dismount, draw their weapons and spread out before they are attacked.
Dolph’s halfway intelligent plans are once again foiled by the king, who has decreed that there shall be no prisoners. Also no people left alive long enough to answer any pertinent questions like „Where’s your camp and how do we sneak in?“. Clearly, this man became king through luck of the draw.
He also seems to be sitting in his private alchemy lab, either plotting or pursuing an arcane hobby. (Three guesses.) Here’s a hint, he also put on a black cloak and went to kill his Seer. Incognito.

Dolph has noticed that one Dark One could have stabbed him, but didn’t, even though he really wanted to, so that Dark Mother must want him alive. Dolph has clearly read the Potter books to train for his adventure. Good on him. He also tries to explain penicillin to the doctor, who is so passionately interested in medical knowledge from the future she promptly falls asleep.

Deep Conversation

Penicillin? Yawn.

But not for long, because the Dark Ones have come back, and this time they have poisoned darts.

The leader of the soldiers has a sudden change of heart. He now believes in the prophecy. He respects and trusts Dolph. He has also levelled up and kicks Dolph into a ravine to safety before making a Heroic Last Stand. To the death. (This is spelled out for us. Twice. Just in case we didn’t get it from the actual scene.) And his last word was „Elianna“. So now we know why she was always so befuddled when Dolph showed up in her corner of the afterlife. She was actually waiting for this guy (who, at this point, was coincidentally the person I cared about the most in the whole story, and his name was never once uttered by anybody. Quality storytelling.) Ah, voiceover-Dolph corrects that oversight. Allard. It was Allard who saved their lives. Clearly, this is what it takes for anybody to remember your name in that world. We can only anxiously await hearing the name of that doctor, because she’s still alive and with Dolph, but I can almost see the digital countdown over her head.

We hardly knew you.

Meanwhile by the Seer’s hollow tree, the king (now without he cloak), is Righteously Indignant(TM) at her death and wonders out loud what creature would perpetrate such evil on a woman. (Make note, kids – killing men who are helplessly chained down in a tree is a-ok. And so is chaining people up in hollow trees in the first place.) Lochlyn Munro acts his hardest here, bless his heart.

In the meantime, the doctor reveals that the king is an alchemist and gave her a poison to drink in case of capture. It would have killed her and anyone who came in contact with her. But now that she and Dolph are alone in the forest without a map or a guard, she’s not scared of that anymore and dumps the poison in the stream. (What, precisely, is the point of poison that is destroyed by contact with water? Oh nevermind.) The whole thing is rendered moot anyway, because she has sprained her ankle and must stay behind while he goes to kill that Dark Mother. But she will not let him go without her protective talisman around his neck. Because even if he doesn’t believe as she does, it is still something pretty to look at, and when you’re in the forest halfway up a mountain, in the middle of miles and miles of untouched nature, the one thing you lack is beauty. Right.

OH FOR…ENOUGH ALREADY WITH VOICEOVER-DOLPH! And do NOT call recon „foreplay“ ever again. EVER! Go have a protein shake or something. („Get in, get your information and get the hell out with your scalp intact.“ – right…just like foreplay.)

But fear not, for stealthy Dolph is stealthy. He evades all of one (in numbers: 1!!!!) guard, sneaks up to a rough shelter, where a lone cook (who tells us that he’s a cook, left behind, alone, to cook – just so we know) is cooking, and kills him without warning. Then, to add insult to lethal injury, he criticizes the stew. Asshole.

Aaaaand it’s another happy excursion to our friend, the King Raven of the Pauses. For, you see, the villain has eluded his guards‘ capture. His response? „As they are meant to do.“ (Who? The guards? What? Why?!? Uwe Boll. PhD in Literature) „In time you will learn that villains often hide in plain sight.“ BEHOLD HIS ROYAL MAJESTY THE KING OF SUBTLETY. But fear not, for though he is badly portrayed and horribly written, this king still believes that his Chosen One „can do it“. Bully for him. A man’s gotta have convictions. Especially if they don’t make any sense whatsoever.

More stealth-Dolph (ie. him walking out of the forest onto a clearing by a lake, so he can be seen by everyone). In the middle of the clearing, there is a hut. Voiceover Dolph conveniently missed the 10 armed guys standing around, all of whom are armed, to state: „She is in there. No guards, no fortifications. Something isn’t right.“ Despite this feeling, he decides to go ahead anyway. And the guards just let him walk straight into the hut, following him and brandishing their weapons menacingly FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. Seriously guys, what’s it going to be – are you guards, then I want at the very least a 3 minute brawl scene here. Or are you just campers in inconvenient black robes – then why are you slowly walking after a guy while each caressing the hilt of a very big axe? I’m so confused!

So…nobody stops Dolph…instead, he enters the hut, hears the little old lady (erm Dark Mother) he’s supposed to murder, and is promptly knocked out in what is unbelievably only the second least unexpected ambush in the movie so far. But fear not, the keffiyeh is unharmed.

Turns out the little old lady has been waiting for him. A lifetime, even. That’s the sort of thing that makes a person feel appreciated. Except, she has been waiting „to set eyes on [him] again“, which makes me nervous. I feel a bout of strong exposition coming on.

Oooh yeah, here we go. You see, she was at his house when he was attacked by the ninja rejects (remember that? it was only about 18 hours of perceived watching time ago). She came to his time to get him personally, but since she was wearing a black robe (like the ninjas, whose attack she, too, had forseen), she was lucky he didn’t shoot her. So…a lifetime’s worth of waiting and the lady hasn’s figured out the basic principle of thinking before doing. Oh well…no worries.
Alrighty…there’s a twist! Turns out King Raven became king after unleashing a plague on the kingdom that he himself could barely control. The Stath and his family died, so did many others, and Raven took the throne. („A coup d’etat, using biological warfare“, translates Dolph into Modern because he really, really likes repeating things.)
„The loyal were driven to the mountains.“ (with no supplies and already infected…I’m sure fun times were had by all.)
But fear not, because DolphisreallythelostsonoftheStathwhowastakenintohidingbeforethefortressfellonlytohidehimreallywelltheyhadtotakehimtoanorphanageinVancouverandhopetobeabletobringhimbacksomedaybutnoneofthatmattersbecausenowhe’sbackandcantakehisrightfulplaceasKing – YAY!!! (written like this so as to better illustrate how much sense it makes and how subtly it is delivered.)

The ninja rejects weren’t supposed to try and kill him either, only to bring him back, but their leader turned traitor. Which begs the question…when you clearly see a vision of a murder attempt, how do you not recognise your own men in the picture? How do you not recognise them later, when you’re with them, in the house where they are, in that very moment before your eyes, attempting murder. How do you let it go and do nothing about it until days later, when you, Dolph and the traitor are alone in your scenic hut by the lake? WHY IS ANYBODY LISTENING TO THAT LADY ANYMORE?!?
Traitor: „You would make peace with the tyrant that cast us out? NEVER! We will have our vengeance.“ (Understandable position to take.)
Crazy lady: „I have seen your passing and it is near.“ (WHUT?)

Dolph then takes her side for no reason and makes that passing happen.
Crazy Lady: „Raven butchered his family before his very eyes. We should not cast stones.“ Riiiight. But we should definitely be casting big knives into vital organs. Nice of her, to have him killed without moral judgment, just for the fun of it. Then, because killing a guy for her wasn’t enough of a hint that he’s on her side, she makes sure by having a vision on the spot. Dolph has „a fortnight“ from when he was taken until Raven sends a plague carrier to Vancouver and KILLS EVERYONE IN THE WORLD. No pressure.

Meanwhile back at the castle, it turns out that the King has spies who have enough access to the little old lady’s hut to tell that Dolph is there, but didn’t kill her, and hasn’t even really tried. Close enough for that, but not close enough to do the job themselves. Fascinating. (By which I mean nonsensical.) The King is outraged and summons his guard, because if you want to get shit done, you have to do it yourself. And he’ll do it, too…look! He has tiny little vials of stuff.

Dolph has an existential conversation about the nature of fate with the little old lady, who is dying and has nothing better to do, apparently. Most poetic (hehe) line in the movie so far: „In this not-knowing hides the dragon that shall slay the tyrant.“ Yeah…sure. Way to be helpful. Then she reminds him that, until he goes back to Canada, he is king here, and that he should lead his people (of whom he has so far seen about 20, and he killed half of those)…and dies in Dolph’s arms, which isn’t weird at all, considering they met all of three minutes ago.
Then, totally out of nowhere, comes a tall blonde in armour and pretends that she has been part of this story all along. But at least she gets a name right away – Hey everyone! Meet Dunyana!

I’ve been here all along, I swear!

Dunyana tells Dolph that he has to enter the Black Forest and retrieve The Catalyst.
Dolph: What’s that?
Dunyana: Dunno.
Dolph: What’s if for?
Dunyana: Dunno.
Dolph: Do I haaave to?
Dunyana: Yup.
Dolph: Whyyyyy?
Dunyana: Prophecy. Suck it up. Also, try not to die in the deadly, dark, black forest of death.
[Dialogue slightly changed by this author.]

And they won’t even send backup with him. It’s not like he’s important or their king or anyth-…Oh! Awkward.

The other king, meanwhile, has left the summoned guard behind after all, and rides alone to meet his spy in the forest. It has to be said, in a movie full of horrible acting, this guy takes the cake so far. Dramatic pseudo-Shakespearean gesturing? REALLY? Raven kills the guy to put us all out of his misery. See, he’s not all bad!

Dunyana sends Dolph on his merry way into the Black Forest with a lunch package. So thoughtful.
Dolph „sees“ that she is the crazy old lady’s daughter. (Response: „It was my honour.“ Really?!) He decides that she’ll be the heir to his throne, which is just as well, since she’s the only other named (and breathing) character on this side of the conflict.

He then decides to take an actual sword with him this time, because „I have a feeling that in this Black Forest, size does matter.“ (Dolph Lundgren, Fulbright Scholar) And off he goes.

King Raven arrives about 5 minutes later (with men, this time) and motivates (ie threatens with death) his guards to „enter these woods, retrieve the chosen one and bring the catalyst“. Nevermind the demons and sorcery.

Voiceover Dolph is back, trying to distract us from the fact that actual Dolph is stalking through the forest like he shat his pants. (To be fair, Lundgren was injured when this film was shot, which also the reason for the lack of actual Lundgren-caliber fight scenes. On the other hand, it says a lot about a production that looks at such a problem, shrugs and carries on like this doesn’t matter.) Anyway he doesn’t have to walk for long, because OMG DRAGON! Strangely, the CGI here isn’t half as horrible as you’d expect.

still pretty bad, though

The dragon comes close, looks at him, doesn’t really do anything overly aggressive, but still Dolph is saved by…the doctor lady. With the sprained ankle. Who was supposed to be hobbling around in a totally different, non-enchanted forest. But fear not, she is suddenly here, and able to run and throw a big stone-coloured piece of plastic at the dragon to save Dolph. And now, because Dolph is almost as surprised by her appearance as I was, we FINALLY get to hear her name: „Manhatten“. I kid you not.
„Manhatten“ (I won’t laugh if you won’t) is understandably confused about Dolph’s sudden change of allegiance, but he gives her the Cliff Notes version of the exposition dump that STILL doesn’t make any sense, and she nods and everything’s fine. Alright then.

They are confronted with Raven’s guards, the leader of whom vows to „not stand aside for man or beast!!!“…and then the dragon lands on him. I will admit it, I laughed. The dragon then deals with the guards, while Dolph & Manhatten walk away, which is a bit of a letdown. But it doesn’t matter, because Dolph manages to walk out of the forest at the exact spot where he entered it, which is where Raven happens to be waiting to take them captive. „Before nightfall your entrails will be hanging from the fortress gate.“ Bummer. Also, this really is a teeny, tiny kingdom, isn’t it?

The following exchange is interesting (for a given value of interesting), because it shows how they still haven’t made up their minds about where exactly this story is set.
Manhatten tells Raven that the Devil himself is waiting for him and he slaps her for „blasphemy“ (which does not mean what the scriptwriter thinks it means) and calls her a witch. The only problem with that? We just saw a dragon. And ten minutes ago, they established that this was the world from the first film…the one with the Mages and Elves and Orcs and no hint of Christianity whatsoever. So the question becomes…WHY AM I EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS???

Dolph attempts to free the two of them so they won’t be executed (seriously…„It was my great honour to fight by your side and to lie with you as your woman.“ Yuck.), but they are saved once again, by the dragon, which has apparently decided to follow Dolph home. (Cute!) Raven turns tail and runs for his horse.
Manhatten turns into a mind reader: „He is making for the corridor into your world!“ And they follow him while the dragon attacks the castle.

Dunyana, who has apparently been standing by one side with her troops for a while now, doing exactly nothing, decides that „The dragon is the catalyst“ and grins. Honestly, catalyst or not, who cares. It does the trick. When it finally leaves, all Dunyana and her people have to do is go in and put out the fires. Instead, she takes a moment to pray to her dead mother, because that’s what you do.(Not.)

Raven has reached the place, where that (still unexplained but I don’t even want to know what they think they were thinking) corridor to Vancouver is, closely followed by Dolph and Manhatten. He opens the corridor, takes the time to get rid of cape and crown, and to say: „My actions are either those of a fool or a conqueror.“
Then he throws a granade-type-thing, but Manhatten catches it safely, so Dolph can go ahead with the final showdown that is sooooo long overdue. She is left behind by the lake, looking after them forlornly, hoping to see Dolph again, perhaps in another time.

This showdown takes place, obviously, in Dolph’s house. Because a couch that ugly deserves to be trashed, if you ask me. The opponents are armed with a flashlight and a frying pan, respectively. („Clang!“) Then they switch to knives, because really, so much easier on the sound-engineers.
And in a delightful flourish of filmmaking, the story ends where it really began, in the bathroom. Remember that bathtub Dolph was filling way back when we weren’t yet scarred by the true awfulness of this film? It’s still here, still full – ready for Dolph to drown the bad guy in it after feeding him his own poisons.
That is very nearly poetic. In a way that car crashes are very nearly poetic.

AND ONCE MORE Dolph (keffiyeh still immaculately in place, in case you were worried) sits in his study and toasts his team in a lonely and sad way. Only this time, he also has Manhatten’s necklace there with him. He wonders whether he shall ever see her again. Perhaps in his dreams. Or, perhaps in another time.
(I’m sure I was only imagining the giant billboard in the background that said „WE’RE PLANNING A SEQUEL AND YOU CANNOT STOP US MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!“)

Sad and lonely Dolph is sad and lonely.

But then he gets up and the camera zooms in on the necklace, which starts to glow.

(Not just my imagination then, huh? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!)

6 Kommentare »

  1. kalafudra said,

    Jesus H. Christ, is Dolph actually wearing a hipster scarf?
    (i just had to get that off my chest, I only got to the second pic. Will resume reading now.)

  2. kalafudra said,

    „He’s The Stath. He doesn’t succumb to anything.“

    The Stath only succumbs to women.

  3. kalafudra said,

    „But she will not let him go without her protective talisman around his neck.“

    But I thought he was already wearing the keffiyeh?

  4. kalafudra said,

    „But fear not, for stealthy Dolph is stealthy. He evades all of one (in numbers: 1!!!!) guard, sneaks up to a rough shelter, where a lone cook (who tells us that he’s a cook, left behind, alone, to cook – just so we know) is cooking, and kills him without warning. Then, to add insult to lethal injury, he criticizes the stew. Asshole.“

    *rofl*

  5. kalafudra said,

    „Dolph to drown the bad guy in it after feeding him his own poisons.“

    Isn’t it not only kind of stupid to kill somebody twice, but also to drown somebody after feeding them poison that is destroyed by water?

    But I guess that’s what you get from not turning your brain off when coming in contact with anything Uwe Boll ever looked at.

  6. L said,

    1)“My actions are either those of a fool or a conqueror“ <3.
    I think I should see "Itnotk2".

    2) Tutee's parents:
    Answer something like:
    "Geben Sie ihm/ihr Zeit… Sie kennen Ihr Kind am Besten… Ich habe jetzt einen Termin." <– das dritte ist essentiell.


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