Dezember 6, 2009
(pseudo-liveblogging as I watch „Dragonball Evolution“ so you don’t have to)
Warning: Here be massive spoilers for massive amounts of crappiness.
I’m barely 15 minutes in, and I’m already reasonably confident that „Dragonball Evolution“ might be the worst film ever.
16 minutes…a guy called „Goku“ just told a girl called „Chichi“ that her name is stupid *eyeroll*
17 minutes…now I’m absolutely certain.
19 minutes…the force is strong in the green one. dialogue isn’t.
20 mins…all teenagers in Hollywood-flicks are self-absorbed assholes.
21 mins … ooooh a quest (*squee*) second mention of „be true to yourself“.
23 minutes…more exposition…yay!!! Also, exchange of the usual reasons for questing (promise to father, promise to grandfather – how original)
24 minutes…wtf is „applied dynamics“?
25 mins … you thought the mass difference btw cars and autobots in Transformers was weird? they just topped it – a motorcycle that fits into your pant pocket (?!?)
28 mins…possibly the worst CGI city-backdrop I have ever seen. My eyes!!!!!!!!!!!
29 mins…Chow Yun Fat just did the worst Eastwood impression ever…“Punk“?!? and did he just roll his hips?! (He did. omg, he did!)
30 mins…“my grandfather is dead. He was murdered. I will avenge him.“ (actual dialogue)
31 mins… Chow Yun Fat recites nursery rhyme with interpretive dance.
32 mins…Goku is the Chosen One…because a nursery rhyme said so.
34 mins…Training Montaaaaaaage!!!
38 mins…“No problemo“ ?!? Also, who digs a hole in a random piece of dirt track, waits until somebody falls in and then charges them for help pulling them out? worst criminal scheme ever? I think so.
39 mins…just in case the first 10 times weren’t enough, let’s re-iterate why we’re questing on this very questy quest.
41 mins…the rocks in this dirt hole are about as good as the ones on Star Trek (let’s hear it for styrofoam!)
43 mins…the baddie isn’t just green and bad (and green). he’s also clearly insane (and green), and some kind of cheap-ass Frankenstein (and green)
44 mins…subterranean cavern…lizard ogre people….and convenient lava lake to throw them in. their corpses make a convenient bridge across the lava. (oh how I wish I was kidding).
45 mins…yes, I *get* it!!! This is the third time you’ve done this! Believe it or not, it’s clear: Goku holds a Dragonball, Goku has a vision of the coming apocalypse (because he’s on a quest, dontcha know!) and helpful hints from his dead (murdered) (soon to be avenged) grandfather. N0w stop it already.
48 mins…the guy in the vaguely Asian looking monastery, in the ridiculously embroidered robes, doing the Tibetan mandala…is black. This is just as well, since the Monkey King-based, supposedly Asian protagonist is Caucasian. Ah well. Chow Yun Eastwood has just decided to sacrifice his own life to save the world, since, apparently, „the boy will not be ready“, and he (the backup Chosen One? the Lucky Loser?) is „the only one who can do it“. (For reasons that are both unexplained and uninteresting.)
49 min…we’re halfway through the movie (which, at least until the 45-min mark, was a Dragonball-movie) and *now* they get to a martial arts tournament?! Also, I probably forgot to mention this, but Chichi (she of the stupid name, vacant smile and impressive cleavage) is also a fighter. This is important, because the green baddie (who is green, and bad, but mostly green) has a little helper who’s female. They can now fight each other at the tournament. How surprising.
49 min…a moment for introspection. Let’s all walk up to a balcony, gaze down at the crowd and look chagrined, because „these people, they have no idea.“…afterwards, let’s flirt. Badly. („You know, I’m not so bad once you get to know me.“ „Maybe I like bad men.“ actual lines, followed by – thankfully – aborted kiss)
50 min…something vaguely tai chi-esque in a deserted courtyard, at night. How meaningful. Goku is not ready to learn the Kame Hame Ha. Therefore, he will now learn the Kame Hame Ha. Obviously. And he’ll do it overnight, because it’s only the most advanced technique in his made-up martial art. For the record: This is a Kame Hame Ha. Goku is using it to light torches.
55 min…Chichi leaves Goku’s room – she’s his reward for lighting all the torches, duh!
56 min…ooops…it wasn’t Chichi. It was Greenguy’s Little Helper in disguise. Because getting a drop of somebody’s blood is all you need to take their shape. Now real-Chichi fights faux-Chichi. Neither of them is wearing a bra, and there’s a wall of fire behind them. This is some thirteen year-old’s wet dream made celluloid. Make it stop!!!
57 min…it *did* stop. Goku stepped in and beat up his girlfriend. Then he got shot for being stupid. Now he’s almost dead and has another vision of his grandfather. On a meadow. A foggy meadow. Shot through a blue filter even Jerry Bruckheimer would be ashamed to use. („It’s not your time, Goku. There’s much left to do.“ actual line Also, believe in yourself and let Master Eastwood’s all-purpose-torch-lighting-kame-hame-ha re-start your heart)
59 mins…alright, let me get this straight: The baddie now has all seven dragonballs (which, as we are told for the 78th time, resurrect the Dragon Shen Long, who grants a wish), so he now plans (as we are told) to resurrect Shen Long, who will grant him a wish. So Goku and co have to run to the Dragon Temple to stop him. Only Chichi can’t come, because then Goku would have to apologize to her for knocking her out, and we can’t have that. So she stays behind. But fear not, Master Eastwood plans on giving his life to seal the baddie in an urn, because that evidently worked so well last time. More urgent questing ensues (Montaaaaage!!!).
60 mins…Baddie’s actual words as he takes his sweet time arranging the dragon-resurrecting, wish-granting dragonballs: „Imagine being shackled so tightly (…) that every atom of your body stands still.“ Imagine being a super-old, super-powerful (and green) alien bad-guy and still failing physics forever.
61 mins…the Jeep they use for the montage just drove off a cliff. That would have been an awesome way to end the movie. But, alas, because there’s no end to the crappiness, this particular jeep has thrusters…like a rocket…so it flies. Although somebody has to explain to me how a vehicle with four vertical thrusters on its underside can still move forward stably like a car. Maybe the baddie isn’t the only one failing physics here.
62 mins…The rocket-jeep just crashed into the styrofoam rocks. Master Eastwood fell out before that. He managed to cling to the styrofoam cliff-face. That’s why he’s the Master and the others are just chosen ones (and assorted hangers-on). But fear not, for Goku has just put on his grandfather’s orange Vest of Believing In Yourself. (cue heroic music and heroic camera angle of him in heroic pose as non-heroic fog around him clears in fright of his heroics…or something)
63 mins…Are you serious?! Because you can NOT be fucking serious. That’s your twist? The demon was sealed inside Naruto Goku and will come out when the moon eclipses the sun, thus rendering any and all questing counterproductive? Just when I thought I couldn’t hate this movie any more. So…yeah…cue the eclipse and Hulk-like-transformation (yes, it’s a green demon, with green eyes).
65 mins…“I’m not so bad once you get to know me“-guy puts himself in demon-Goku“s way to save „maybe I like bad guys“-girl…for nothing. Master Eastwood takes out the magic lantern urn to seal the baddie, but fails. This is supposed to be the point where all hope appears lost, but it’s not, of course. I, for one, am hoping to see all these annoying people die. Soon.
66 mins…Master, as he’s being choked to death by demon-Goku: „Don’t let [the demon] destroy the Goku in you!“ (actual line!!!1!!!) Demon-Goku proceeds to Hulk-smash the styrofoam landscape, in case anybody had missed his Inner Conflict. The blue-tinted grandfather on the meadow returns once more. („Have faith in yourself.“ – Vision-grandfather is a one-trick pony, after all.) Goku then proceeds to change back to his annoying human self. This takes no more effort than, say, lifting a case of beer. Because, as his grandfather used to tell him before he turned into a ghostly blue vision with extremely limited vocabulary, „The first rule is: There are no rules.“ (I think this was intended as an explanation. It isn’t. A punchline, maybe?)
67 mins…Baddie and Goku throw Kame Hame Has at each other. (Note: Kame Hame Has are like lightsabres – every fighter gets a different colour.) „Maybe I like bad guys“-girl and Greenguy’s Little Helper stalk each other through styrofoam caves, guns drawn, because only women are allowed to fight women. (Because those are the rules of Hollywood, dammit, whether ghostly grandfather likes it or not.)
68 mins…More Kame Hame Has and damage to styrofoam ensue. (What has styrofoam ever done to these people?!?) For reasons that are entirely too silly to explain, „Maybe I like bad guys“-girl just threw a motorcycle at Greenguy’s Little Helper. But even that little bit of ridiculous ingenuity doesn’t keep her from having to be rescued by „I’m not so bad once you get to know me“-guy, who apparently regained consciousness just in time for his entrance as romantic (*gag*) hero.
69 mins…actual line (from Goku, who has just put on his thoughtful face): „I am Goku. I am [demon]. To be one with myself, I must be two.“ (Oh please, please, please, why can’t you just pelt me with styrofoam instead?) Crescendo of heroic music. Goku decides that he „must have faith in who he is“. (And he only needed to be told 47 times by his ghostly grandfather. He really is the sharpest demon-sealed-within-a-human-tool in the box, isn’t he?) He then destroys the demon with the first actually powerful Kame Hame Ha in the movie, just in time for the end of the solar eclipse. (Subtlety, Mr Movie Director, you should look it up sometime.)
70 mins…Master Eastwood is dead, but saving the world doesn’t come at a cost, so Goku only cries a little bit into his Master’s right knee (don’t even ask) before realising that there’s still a complete set of dragonballs lying around in the styrofoam debris. He wastes no time telling us (yet again) that those seven can resurrect the dragon Shen Long, who can grant one wish.
71 mins…Goku recites the incantation to call forth the dragon so he will grant Goku’s wish („Dragon!!! […] I compel you to come forth and grant my wish!!!“). How he knows this incantation when he didn’t even know about the dragonballs until 2 days ago is anybody’s guess. Predictably, the dragon appears. Somebody on this set obviously knew their own limitations, because they wisely decided to substitute good digital effects for very bright lights and loud noise rather than embarrass themselves by even trying.
72 mins…the wish is uttered, the wish is granted, the dragon disappears – no surprises there. Master Eastwood awakens with a sneeze, because that’s how he rolls. Then he pulls a Buffy (I was in heaven. I was happy. Now I’m back here. I’m not happy.), but he doesn’t argue as they decide to just go back to square one of their questy quest – because the dragonballs are gone (again), and they have to find them (again). Because that’s a totally reasonable thing to do.
73 mins…but before the questing commences (again), Goku finally returns to his (previously knocked-out) girlfriend who had to miss all the excitement and styrofoam demolition. After the obligatory „welcome back, my conquering hero“-kiss, Goku at least gets props for apologizing for hurting her. They do their pathetic, half-hearted screwball-rom-com thingy over „I’m the better fighter.“ , „No, I’m the better fighter!“, before, thankfully, the movie ends.
Okay. That’s it. I’m done. Finally. My brain is fried, but I have hopes that I might, someday, recover.